We're getting closer to a new year and closer to the world's end. I'm also getting closer to my end. This year has had many ups and downs... For me it's mostly been going downhill, if I'm honest. I've had several attempts, written letters and self harmed again for the first time in many years. My dissociation is worse than ever. I can barely hold a conversation, my smiles are rarely genuine, I'm starving myself again, I can't look in the mirror - I don't exist. I am a ghost.
You know how people always tell you, "It'll get better."? Famous quotes about there always being sunshine after the storm? That you'll eventually reach the rainbow? In my case, that's all bullshit. I'm 22 years old and my entire life has been a storm. I cannot hope to see that rainbow. Maybe I did hope once, but I can no longer remember.
So I've made my promise; one more year. If I haven't even caught a glimpse of that sunshine, of that rainbow, that's the end for me. Right before the clocks strike midnight on New Year's Eve next year, I shall take my last breath - unless I've caught a glimpse of a better life.
I know, this is depressing. But that really is how I think, and I don't seem to have room for positive thoughts. This is, sadly, the reality of many young people today. Maybe it's always been like this, but the current state of things and the world going downhill year after year because of us humans, don't exactly help things. It seems this generation is more depressed than ever before and the state of today's world doesn't seem to have a bright future. When it all ends, I hope it happens fast.
People always ask me why I work so much extra. The answer I usually give is that I have nothing better to do that day. The real answer is that I can no longer handle being alone with my own thoughts. I'm also a people pleaser. My co-workers always say I have a real dark sense of humour, and I do but.. Well, if only they knew how much truth there is behind it.
