Fear of change

 

Change is one of the most consistent things in life, but also one of the scariest. We crave growth, improvement or even just a tiny change in our routines - but the unknown becomes overwhelming. 
To me, change isn't just about something new. It's also about leaving behind what's familiar to me; and that's scary as hell.

Every time I think of this and feel scared, I also find myself wondering why it feels so daunting. Fear of failure? Discomfort of possibly losing control? The thought of the unknown? It's likely as simple as this; staying in our comfort zone feels safe. Even though it's far from perfect, I always know what to expect.  There’s a strange comfort in predictability, even when we know deep down it’s not what we truly want. 

I've been thinking about my fear of change a lot lately. Currently I'm working in a job that's burning me out with an exhausting work environment - but quitting this job (as it is my first long-term job) means having to find somewhere cheaper to live. Which means two pretty darn big changes at the same time... I know what's best for me, but the thought of it terrifies me.

So here’s what I’m (slowly) learning: fear of change isn’t something that's possible to conquer overnight. It’s not about pretending to be fearless; it’s about acknowledging the fear and moving forward anyway. Which is so, so incredibly hard.
I will cry, I will break down. But I won't be staying in this job forever, and I won't rent forever - the changes will happen some day and will scare me just the same.

Writing this is as much for me as it is for anyone reading it. I’m still scared of change, and I think I always will be. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe fear is just a sign that we’re alive, evolving, and pushing ourselves toward something better.

If you’re facing change and feeling scared, know you’re not alone. Let’s take it one step at a time, together.

tw depression i guess

 

We're getting closer to a new year and closer to the world's end. I'm also getting closer to my end. This year has had many ups and downs... For me it's mostly been going downhill, if I'm honest. I've had several attempts, written letters and self harmed again for the first time in many years. My dissociation is worse than ever. I can barely hold a conversation, my smiles are rarely genuine, I'm starving myself again, I can't look in the mirror - I don't exist. I am a ghost.

You know how people always tell you, "It'll get better."? Famous quotes about there always being sunshine after the storm? That you'll eventually reach the rainbow? In my case, that's all bullshit. I'm 22 years old and my entire life has been a storm. I cannot hope to see that rainbow. Maybe I did hope once, but I can no longer remember. 

So I've made my promise; one more year. If I haven't even caught a glimpse of that sunshine, of that rainbow, that's the end for me. Right before the clocks strike midnight on New Year's Eve next year, I shall take my last breath - unless I've caught a glimpse of a better life.

I know, this is depressing. But that really is how I think, and I don't seem to have room for positive thoughts. This is, sadly, the reality of many young people today. Maybe it's always been like this, but the current state of things and the world going downhill year after year because of us humans, don't exactly help things. It seems this generation is more depressed than ever before and the state of today's world doesn't seem to have a bright future. When it all ends, I hope it happens fast.

People always ask me why I work so much extra. The answer I usually give is that I have nothing better to do that day. The real answer is that I can no longer handle being alone with my own thoughts. I'm also a people pleaser. My co-workers always say I have a real dark sense of humour, and I do but.. Well, if only they knew how much truth there is behind it.

random thoughts for fall

 Excited for fall season

As the heat of summer fades and the air slowly turns crisp, I can't help feeling excited. Even though I know I get cold easily and I'm always freezing, there's just something beautifully melancholic about this season for me. Halloween is also my favourite holiday.

The colours of the leaves, the cosy sweaters and the warm drinks instantly make everything feel more comforting - while the darkness, fog, rainy days and waving trees make it a perfect mix.

Fall is also about creating a cosy atmosphere, and I love decorating my space for the season <3

 This is the time when candles start burning non-stop, filling the air with scents of cinnamon, vanilla, and cloves. There’s nothing better than lighting a few candles, a cup of hot tea, grabbing a soft blanket, and curling up on the couch with a good book.

Currently I'm writing an essay about the Menendez case, a case I haven't thought about in a long time until it recently generated a lot of public attention and the fall weather is kinda making it more... I don't know, sad and awful to research a case like this. It's not like I'm writing it for school or anything, there's just something about the case that makes me want to write about it. I hope that they can be freed soon and have a normal life - they never got the chance to have one.

20s life ig :c

 

20s and my existential crisis

Turning 20 was weird. Turning 21 even weirder. Now having turned 22, I'm kind of having a crisis. I feel like time is running from me and I haven't gotten far enough in life yet, like I'm far behind where I'm supposed to be. And I know so many other people my age feel the same way - I guess our society's fast pace has made it this way. You gotta hustle, keep going forward, figure everything out before it's too late.

So what am I supposed to do with myself? Honestly, who even am I? Am I happy with my life?

All of these questions I have several answers to, none of which seem right to me. In fact, nothing does. I keep wishing it was possible to get a do-over in life. I blinked and suddenly became an adult. This world, society and time in general is moving too fast for me and I can't breathe.

I don't remember much of my childhood aside from traumatic events, even those being a blur in my memory - like I'm seeing it through a thick fog. Most of my childhood and teenage years I was in a constant dissociative state, which hardly made it possible for me to really create memories of it all in my mind - let alone keep them there.

I fear that I never came out of my dissociative state. Most of my days I'm going around on autopilot at work. If you asked me about something that happened last week, I wouldn't remember it or when it happened. Most of the time I feel like nothing around me is real and I struggle telling what is. I'm never really here. For all I know I died my last attempt or am laying in some kind of coma dreaming, thinking that I never left - that I'm still going to work every day.

I can no longer look in the mirror as I'm not able to recognize myself, I can't tell that it's really my own pair of eyes staring back at me.

I am not present in life or this world. I cannot remember if I ever was.

So that's today's rambling from me. I'm in my 20s and don't even know if I exist. I am probably supposed to be going to therapy for this? I don't know.

First post

 

So I finally did it. I made a blog. I don't really know what I'm gonna post here or when... No one's gonna read it anyway, so I don't have to worry so much about what I write here - which is kind of comforting. Also a reason I don't use my real name here, so people I know won't find it and realize how weird I am. Well, weirder than they thought.

Here I can also write how I'm really feeling instead of acting like I'm all fine and fixed up.