random thoughts for fall

 Excited for fall season

As the heat of summer fades and the air slowly turns crisp, I can't help feeling excited. Even though I know I get cold easily and I'm always freezing, there's just something beautifully melancholic about this season for me. Halloween is also my favourite holiday.

The colours of the leaves, the cosy sweaters and the warm drinks instantly make everything feel more comforting - while the darkness, fog, rainy days and waving trees make it a perfect mix.

Fall is also about creating a cosy atmosphere, and I love decorating my space for the season <3

 This is the time when candles start burning non-stop, filling the air with scents of cinnamon, vanilla, and cloves. There’s nothing better than lighting a few candles, a cup of hot tea, grabbing a soft blanket, and curling up on the couch with a good book.

Currently I'm writing an essay about the Menendez case, a case I haven't thought about in a long time until it recently generated a lot of public attention and the fall weather is kinda making it more... I don't know, sad and awful to research a case like this. It's not like I'm writing it for school or anything, there's just something about the case that makes me want to write about it. I hope that they can be freed soon and have a normal life - they never got the chance to have one.

20s life ig :c

 

20s and my existential crisis

Turning 20 was weird. Turning 21 even weirder. Now having turned 22, I'm kind of having a crisis. I feel like time is running from me and I haven't gotten far enough in life yet, like I'm far behind where I'm supposed to be. And I know so many other people my age feel the same way - I guess our society's fast pace has made it this way. You gotta hustle, keep going forward, figure everything out before it's too late.

So what am I supposed to do with myself? Honestly, who even am I? Am I happy with my life?

All of these questions I have several answers to, none of which seem right to me. In fact, nothing does. I keep wishing it was possible to get a do-over in life. I blinked and suddenly became an adult. This world, society and time in general is moving too fast for me and I can't breathe.

I don't remember much of my childhood aside from traumatic events, even those being a blur in my memory - like I'm seeing it through a thick fog. Most of my childhood and teenage years I was in a constant dissociative state, which hardly made it possible for me to really create memories of it all in my mind - let alone keep them there.

I fear that I never came out of my dissociative state. Most of my days I'm going around on autopilot at work. If you asked me about something that happened last week, I wouldn't remember it or when it happened. Most of the time I feel like nothing around me is real and I struggle telling what is. I'm never really here. For all I know I died my last attempt or am laying in some kind of coma dreaming, thinking that I never left - that I'm still going to work every day.

I can no longer look in the mirror as I'm not able to recognize myself, I can't tell that it's really my own pair of eyes staring back at me.

I am not present in life or this world. I cannot remember if I ever was.

So that's today's rambling from me. I'm in my 20s and don't even know if I exist. I am probably supposed to be going to therapy for this? I don't know.

First post

 

So I finally did it. I made a blog. I don't really know what I'm gonna post here or when... No one's gonna read it anyway, so I don't have to worry so much about what I write here - which is kind of comforting. Also a reason I don't use my real name here, so people I know won't find it and realize how weird I am. Well, weirder than they thought.

Here I can also write how I'm really feeling instead of acting like I'm all fine and fixed up.