20s life ig :c

 

20s and my existential crisis

Turning 20 was weird. Turning 21 even weirder. Now having turned 22, I'm kind of having a crisis. I feel like time is running from me and I haven't gotten far enough in life yet, like I'm far behind where I'm supposed to be. And I know so many other people my age feel the same way - I guess our society's fast pace has made it this way. You gotta hustle, keep going forward, figure everything out before it's too late.

So what am I supposed to do with myself? Honestly, who even am I? Am I happy with my life?

All of these questions I have several answers to, none of which seem right to me. In fact, nothing does. I keep wishing it was possible to get a do-over in life. I blinked and suddenly became an adult. This world, society and time in general is moving too fast for me and I can't breathe.

I don't remember much of my childhood aside from traumatic events, even those being a blur in my memory - like I'm seeing it through a thick fog. Most of my childhood and teenage years I was in a constant dissociative state, which hardly made it possible for me to really create memories of it all in my mind - let alone keep them there.

I fear that I never came out of my dissociative state. Most of my days I'm going around on autopilot at work. If you asked me about something that happened last week, I wouldn't remember it or when it happened. Most of the time I feel like nothing around me is real and I struggle telling what is. I'm never really here. For all I know I died my last attempt or am laying in some kind of coma dreaming, thinking that I never left - that I'm still going to work every day.

I can no longer look in the mirror as I'm not able to recognize myself, I can't tell that it's really my own pair of eyes staring back at me.

I am not present in life or this world. I cannot remember if I ever was.

So that's today's rambling from me. I'm in my 20s and don't even know if I exist. I am probably supposed to be going to therapy for this? I don't know.